Rape Part II: Stealing Someone’s Life

We think of rape as a sexual and physical act of non-consent. Can this word also be used to describe the non-physical violation of stealing someone’s life by spying, eavesdropping, sending dreams to inquire answers to probing questions, learning behaviors to master them, and having the goal of gaining absolute knowledge of every aspect of an individual without their consent? If a person is a criminal, and is under investigation by the FBI, there might be some leeway for this type of intrusive activity—with the goal to stop crime for the safety of others. For the average person however, doing this, is a way to rape a person’s life devaluing their human existence and worth.

Seeing Each Life as a Gift with Consent to Share
Each person is given the gift of life. We all have our individual paths and stories. Not all of this is to be shared as public knowledge. A movie called The Circle, is a very good example of what technology has the ability to do, to access anyone’s life at any time. There are benefits to the convenience and power of being able to know anything about anyone at anytime, but doing this desensitizes the value of human existence stripping us down to objects rather than a person. Some rather know all facts and intricate details about a person and then publicize these, rather than experience the beauty of the human spirit which is to be found in knowing an individual and the gift of revealing ourselves to others and sharing our uniqueness with others personally.

“To be part of someone’s life is a beautiful gift. To take the liberty of overstepping boundaries to partake in someone’s life without permission is another form of rape.”

There is a gift in the joy of sharing our stories and experiences to others ourselves. Part of being human is to also have the right to privacy and discretion in what we share. We allow people to have access to certain areas of our lives and withhold other areas to remain private. Our need for privacy stems from wanting to preserve our dignity. Another reason is that trust must be earned before certain people earn the right to know information. Other areas, which may be guarded the most, may be reserved only for self with our personal thoughts, relationship with God, intentions, and dreams. We set boundaries for our privacy when it comes to those areas which require more confidentiality. These areas are not for public knowledge. They may be with about financial information, information about our relationships, our deepest thoughts, desires, or creative ideas we have. There is an inner area of ourselves that should have the right to be withheld from other people who may want to pry. It is in this area where we develop ourselves. In fact, there probably is an entire psychology around this very topic. When what we value as private information is viewed without our permission, we are violated. When our behaviors and unique qualities are learned and duplicated by others, or our ideas and creativity are accessed before we share them, it no longer is our individually which is enjoyed and we are stripped. Instead of admiring what we contribute, the intent is to clone and cheapen what value we bring to the world. It is devaluing to what we contribute to the world. It can be devastating because it is what we are made of, our personality, our talents, our stories, our mannerisms, or anything else of our existence.

The Human Relationship is What Is Seen
The human relationship must be put first. Individuals who turn to remote devices to access other people’s lives remotely to spy and eavesdrop without permission are building habits of destruction. Using this application, they seek to learn everything about another person by watching them, accessing them without permission. Unconsciously they place themselves as more important than the other person, taking the liberty to view them, meanwhile trampling over dignity and human respect, and accessing what is not their right to access. In all essence, it is the infinite quest for knowledge they seek to acquire, which has been tantalizing to humans since the Garden of Eden. To have god-like access, almost equal to God himself, is magical. It is a way to “enter” into the life of another. Some people even become so addicted to this that it becomes the relationship. Just like a new-found porn, or entertainment TV show, the viewer can see into someone else’s life to be with them, silently viewing, or speaking real-time in a one-way conversation to the victim. To the victim, it is highway robbery of their life, and even their soul. Everything that composites the human life from eating, to dressing, going to the bathroom, what is written, created, experimented, and anything that nourishes individuality, and interactions with other humans is all accessible. All secrets are revealed, even if they aren’t secrets. All methods are learned. Learning and sharing these with others, the victim feels their soul as it is ripped and shredded. Not a second is private. It destroys new creativity to be watched. New creativity, which has always been protected by inventors or artists with trademarks for fear of being stolen, is all void. The rapists see new ideas and creativity the moment it is developed, even before it is close to being publicized and they publish it to others with this knowledge they obtain, even before it is fully-created, as if it is their right. Their right, as they see it, is to be all-knowing and all-deserving to be god-like. They use this information to build their popularity for the destruction of the victim. All experiments, new experiences, or anything which develops the person, are also violated. It stunts these creative moments—and who wants to try things as much when someone else is right overhead to view and steal the moment of inception. Joy and inspiration are severely quelched to a dull moment of pain, and withheld instead. The same happens with human relationships as they are overheard, viewed, and participated in as if it were an interactive sitcom. These relationships, no matter what kind, cannot stand a chance with 3rd parties witnessing them and intruding upon them. The addiction to trespassing on the life of another is one which devalues the human existence and multiplies with a plethora of consequences.

In all essence, being viewed, your life is no longer your own to experience and live. A person has to wonder why these intruders do not value their own life, spending time living it to its potential with all the experiences life has to offer, rather than spending their life viewing the life of another person. Secondly, you have to wonder why these offenders do not value the dignity and respect of human existence, instead overstepping these obvious boundaries, to invade upon another person’s life to destruct it. Stealing someone’s life is a form of rape. While it may not be sexual, the holistic experience is violated and damaged.

“When you touch someone’s life it is a privilege. When you touch someone’s heart it is a blessing. When you touch someone’s mind it is an honor. When you touch someone’s soul it is a triumph. When you touch someone’s spirit it is a miracle.”

—Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness

Information Privacy Law (Aspen Casebook) 6th Edition
by Daniel J. Solove (Author), Paul M. Schwartz (Author)

Protection of Information and the Right to Privacy – A New Equilibrium? (Law, Governance and Technology Series (17)) 2014th Edition
by Luciano Floridi

The Circle
Starring: Emma Watson, Tom Hanks, John Boyega

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Rape Part I: Physical Sexual Assault

Physical Sexual Assault and Rape
Sexual assault without consent is wrong, no matter what age a person is. It is taking the liberty of sexually violating another person without their permission or consent. Physical rape, rape by objects or using other body parts, sexual abuse, molestation, sex trafficking, indecent exposure, prostitution, and internet sex crimes, all are sexual crimes. Rapists have different ways of attacking their victims. A person can be a victim of a physical rape attack, with or without a weapon being used. It can occur anywhere as a forced situation by one person or a group of people who are known or unknown. Another approach is using drugs, alcohol, or spray to make the victim helpless unable to defend themselves. Sexual activity without consent is a violation and is against the law.

Portrait of the Victim
It would seem that the provocatively dressed women, with luring comments or seductive moves, lingering in questionable areas of town, late at night, would be the most likely to be raped. Surprisingly enough, this is not the case. Research has shown that victims of rape are more likely to be conservatively dressed passive women who are violated by people they know. In addition to the number of women who are raped, approximately 2.5% of the male population is raped per year. Rape does not just happen to women who put themselves in compromising situations. It can happen to anyone. Being aware of situations and practicing preventative measures helps in lowering the chance of being raped, but it is not foolproof.

Rape prevention programs can target the source of the problem by providing education on respect and the importance of observing boundaries. Rape cannot entirely be prevented, however, teaching women (and men) awareness of what to look for in their associations with people and how to be more cautious can help with preventing rape from happening.

Steps to Preventing the Possibility of Rape
Knowing what to look for and having a plan in place helps with being safe. Here are some ways to prevent the possibility of rape:

  • Be aware of your surroundings at all times
  • If you’re in college, know that the majority of rapes happen during the first few weeks of the year
  • Don’t leave your drink unattended
  • Drink responsibly
  • Stick with your friends
  • Stay safe at clubs
  • Be assertive
  • Keep personal information private
  • Always keep your phone charged

What to Do
With each situation being different, there is not one way to handle a rape situation. Here are some suggestions:

  • If able to, cause a distraction
  • Enlist others
  • Get loud, shout, and push back
  • Practice self-defense methods of aiming for areas of the body which can be damaged the easiest: eyes, nose, ears, neck, groin, knee, and legs
  • If unable to defend yourself in a struggle or where a weapon is involved, concede to the path of least resistance or safest possible position

    After a rape situation:
  • Ensure your safety and get medical attention
  • Call to report the situation afterwards to the police or a sexual abuse or rape crisis hotline

What to Look For
How can a person identify who might be a rapist? Here is a list of characteristics which are indicators of dangerous individuals. Avoid situations with someone who exhibits these characteristics or where a person could successfully use violence to attack you.
Source: www.nononsenseselfdefense.com.

Here is a list of danger signs to recognize in people who could be a threat:

1) Insensitivity for others/emphasis on self – Does this person put his wants above the needs, feelings or well being of others? Is getting his way more important to him than other people’s welfare? Often this can go beyond mere selfishness and border nearly on an “assumed divine right.” Often these people will justify a particularly vicious action with a flip comment like, “Hey, that’s how the game is played.” Such a person has no understanding that he must co-exist with others. Because he simply exists he thinks the world “owes” him whatever he wants. A common tactic of such a person it to make you feel bad for not doing what he wants.

2) Belittling behavior or attitudes towards others – Does this person habitually make nasty, belittling or degrading comments about others – especially under the guise of joking? Does this person think he is better than others? Does he look down on others? A nouveau riche aristocrat? Is he a racist? A person who thinks that race or social position makes him superior can also assume gender does too. When you think you are superior, an assumed right to ‘take’ what you want often follows.

3) Negating behavior or comments – Closely related to 1 and 2. Does he try to tell you what you are feeling or thinking? Or worse, tell you what you are not? Comments like “you don’t really mean that” are serious indicators of someone trying to negate you. A person who negates others is trying to take away the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs and attempting to project his wants onto that person. The most obvious example of this is “Well even though she said ‘no’, she really meant ‘yes’”.

4) Hostile and/or threatening language – What words does a person use? Choice of words convey subconscious assumptions about a particular topic. For example a man who generically refers to women using profane names does not have good assumptions about females (or much respect). It is all too easy to dismiss this behavior as just “blowing off steam.” But if it is a constant behavior, it goes far beyond that. Someone who habitually uses violent or threatening language should be carefully watched for possible escalation. It’s on his mind already. It’s a uncomfortably short step from ‘thinking about’ to ‘doing’.

5) Bullying – This behavior is especially dangerous. Does this person use overt or subtle threats to get his way? A bully uses the threat of violence more than actual violence. Most often bullies are not willing to risk conflict with someone who can hurt them (an alpha male), and will instead chose to intimidate someone he considers weaker and safer. Someone who is bullying over other matters can easily turn to bullying you regarding sex. The close conversation subjects because it angers or upsets them or they will have a long and elaborate story how it really wasn’t their fault.

6) Excessive anger – How easy does this person anger? Is he a “Short Fuse”? Does he boil over at the slightest problem? This is an indication of chronic anger. A person who explodes over a minor issue is like a full pot boiling over on the stove. It’s not that the issue is all that important, but that he has so much anger already, any more causes him to explode. Often people with chronic anger look for targets to vent their anger at. This could manifest as physical fights, abuse, or rape.

7) Brooding/ revenge – Does this person hang onto his anger long after the situation is over? Will he still be stewing over something while everyone else has moved onto other things? Will he become anti-social and glare at the source of his anger from across the room? Will he insist on taking revenge for real or imagined slights? Both indicate a petty and obsessive personality. A brooder fixates on something and then works himself into a frenzy over it. A person who seeks revenge “has to win” and is willing to take it to extremes. Refusing such a person’s sexual advances can turn this tendency towards you.

8) Obsession – This is a close cousin to number seven. It is a major factor with acquaintance rapes. This is the person who won’t leave you alone. He insists on ‘hitting on you’ long after you have told him no. He is always trying establish forced intimacy (see ‘bonding process’ below). Such obsessions easily turn into anger when his advances are rejected. One day he shows up in a fringe area, drunk and attacks.

9) Extreme mood swings – Beware someone who can go from wildly happy to deeply wounded at a moment’s notice. This sort of personality can feel justified to commit an unlimited amount of violence and damage, because you “hurt his feelings.” This is a common pattern among those with chronic anger about life.

10) Physical tantrums – How does this person get angry? Especially when denied “getting his way”. Beware of a person who regularly physically assaults his environment i.e. hitting walls, kicking things etc. It is only a short step from striking a car to attacking you.

11) Jock or gorilla mentality – This mentality promotes both acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. It is especially common among participants of contact sports. What is most insidious about this mentality is the “jock” receives, not only positive reinforcement, but out-and-out applause for being aggressive and violent. This can easily lead to a failure to differentiate between the playing field and real life. Mike Tyson’s comment is a prime example: “Nobody ever objected before.”

12) A mean drunk – Nearly all rape and abuse cases involve alcohol. Watch what surfaces when someone is intoxicated. It shows what is always lurking underneath. Do not put yourself into a situation where you would deal with such a person while he is intoxicated. Most importantly, don’t allow your facilities to be diminished by alcohol or drugs in this person’s presence.

13) Alcohol or drug abuse – To begin with drug and alcohol addiction can in be traced back to selfishness and a refusal to change one’s world view. Alcohol and drugs are not the cause of bad behavior, rather they are used as an excuse! Often the attacker intentionally became intoxicated to ignore the social restrictions and inhibitions regarding violence.

14) Smooth-talking individuals – These smooth-talkers can easily convince others into believing what they want them to believe. And the more you want to believe the less convincing he will have to do. But without this willingness to ignore common sense on your part, even the smoothest con-artist has no power and no chance to harm you.

While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a potential rapist. This short list should acquaint you with the basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a higher probability than others. You not only find these traits among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals. Philosophically there is little difference between such, they are all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and choice of victims.

Some rape situations cannot be prevented. Many times rapists will use sprays or drugs on the victim so they become unconscious before taking advantage of them. Being aware and cautious of where you are and who you are with can help prevent rape. In situations which cannot be prevented, be sure to report what you know and what happened as soon as possible. It may take several days or weeks, but in many cases the victim can recall at least part of what happened and can identify who was there.

Information from www.nononsenseselfdefense.com

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Eyes Seeing You: Camera Invasion

The trend today is to use applications to view people remotely. In fact, as the latest enigma in viewing pleasure, its rankings are escalating higher than that of everyday TV shows. Why invest time watching sitcoms when you can watch those you love and care about live, spying on all the intricacies of their everyday life. Spying real-time, these applications have the ability to invade the privacy of anyone simply by entering in data. Accessing them anywhere, the viewer is able to view them as if a security camera were pointed directly on them in full zoom, showing all details, in full-color, and real-time. Not only can the person view live, but they are able to speak overhead, all from off-site. Most of these violators use it as entertainment or a type of porn, except it is worse than porn. With porn, women at least give have given permission to be seen either in magazines, online, or through video. Using their device to view remotely, users are easily fooled as repeated use becomes a way to join someone entering into their life, as a form of an imaginary dating or marriage relationship, accessing more details than if that were truly the case. The one-way relationship only exists in their mind however as they access another person’s life and drive an addiction of a need-to lust for knowledge. With the remote app, the victim’s entire life is invaded upon and stolen. Each second is able to be viewed from anywhere, and live—and by anyone for that matter who is given access. It gives a new meaning to rape of the human soul.

There are some things which should remain private and do not need to be known by others, such as how we go to the bathroom, nudity, personal conversations, and x-raying through clothes to view details to mock, shun, or compare. Those viewing redefine their understanding of humanity, with their preferred, new interpretation of what it means to interact with another human. As a complete insult to human dignity and human life, these have learned to see humans as less than humans, but rather as a remote TV show or a walking human object to know all the intricacies about. They label it as a division of anthropology, the art of studying of humans—and without permission, division it is. These prefer to strip down the human existence to a breathing corpse of a body, an object as something to disrespect and observe. The human soul is being beaten upon as the person assumes access to another’s life striving have equality to God. Who gives them this right? God as all knowing, has this top security-clearance. He knows and sees everything, and loves all He has created. Humans who take this liberty do not need all of this knowledge and violate human dignity. The victim is viewed and the shattering effects are qualified for ICU.

By diving into another’s world without permission, they are breaking up whatever relationship could have been or was. Abounding in excuses with reasons to justify it such as security, experience to be nude, or any other reason is just an excuse for their destruction. Without permission, none of these “reasons” can hold worth. Respecting boundaries are important especially when it comes to human dignity. Beyond being disrespectful, viewing someone without permission is the epitome of selfishness and unphysical rape. Looking into their own world to take a look at themselves, might do them a world of good, and be a better place to invest their time.  

What happened to asking “May I…?” What was more important was the selfishness of “I”.  The result is definitely: “can this” —by letting go of that one, and all of them who choose that approach, and walk away to wait upon what a higher standard sees—in person, with “May I?”.

—Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness

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How Dating Has Changed PODCAST


Hi and welcome to today’s podcast! This is Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness. Today is May 14, 2020 and today’s podcast is on How Dating Has Changed. This month’s theme is on “May I” which goes well with dating. This week we’re discussing dating, the history of dating, how dating has changed and boundaries with dating.

History of dating

Courtship was a much more private, unemotional affair. Women would meet with several men, with her parents present, to whittle the pickings down to the most suitable match for marriage, which heavily relied on factors such as financial and social status. When a young woman decided on a man she wanted to see exclusively, their activities as a couple took place either in the household, or at social gatherings. At that time, there was no such thing as just two young lovers “going out on a date.” Courtship was a much more private, unemotional affair

The first decade of the 20th century was marked by the figure of the gentleman caller. If a young man was interested in a young woman, he would follow the proper protocol of calling upon her, which meant that he would come to the family’s home and (hopefully) be welcomed into their parlor. If he was invited back for subsequent visits, he would be free to come and call upon the young woman during hours specified by her parents.

In the 1920’s, dating had almost completely replaced the old system of calling by the mid-1920s — and, in so doing, had transformed American courtship. This was a period of time when couples started going out on dates, which also meant they started paying for dates. This changed the relationship dynamic between a young man and a young woman, as now it was the man’s duty to pay for the date, whereas before it was the woman who decided the terms of the visit.

In the 1950s, “going steady” was the term for being in an exclusive relationship. This status was about the relationship, sure, but it was also about standing out among your peers. According to the University of California, Santa Barbara, “Across university campuses, couples publicized their decision to ‘go steady’ when the man gave the woman an article of his clothing to wear, such as a jacket, sweater, or ring.” Dating had become much more about youth culture than about family expectations.

In the 1960’s, young people did what they wanted, when they wanted, and modern-day “hook up” culture began. For youth of the 1960s, such rules and restrictions were a thing of the past. Many young women took birth control pills to prevent pregnancy. They freely explored their sexual feelings. Sex before marriage was no longer taboo. Young people extolled the benefits of “free love”— that is, making love without marriage or long-term commitments.” The ‘60s was the resulting explosion of sexual activity in the name of freedom.

The “World Wide Web” officially became available to everyone in 1991, and online dating websites were soon popping up all over the place: Match.com was officially founded in 1995.

People also began using Craigslist as a way to meet people online. Online dating sites became popular.

If you want to learn more about the history of dating—there is an interesting article here with this information and more online at http://www.thelist.com.


Changes in Dating

So how has dating changed with communication over the last 120 years? Are men and women just as polite? How is conversation different?

Well for one thing, conversation is typically more casual. Overall the traditional style of dating has collapsed and is a thing of the past. It seems that with the busyness of life, influence of media, and electronics and technology, getting to the goal is more important than ever. Shorter, less quality interactions are there to fulfill needs while any time to build relationships with formal dating practices are gone. Our society is one of get in, get out, efficiency, do not get to know the other person, satisfy and fulfill need of self as a priority, and then dispose and move on to the next page in the web. And if you disagree, then feel free to post online the last relationship you had. Guys want it super easy. And why work? The women are available and it is more acceptable than ever for women to be aggressive as the initiators. In fact, statistics show that 30% of women ask men out online which results in a date versus the 10% of men asking women out. And 68% of women initiate divorces. This shows that women are far more likely to initiate in relationships than men. In fact, although I was not able to find statistics for this, adding in my personal observations, I would guess that 98% of women initiate relationships with men. If you think about it, the women are initiating, they are sustaining, and they are gluing relationships. In all essence, the men do not need to do anything because they don’t even have to work at it, and other than sex, why be around a woman anyway? They don’t even want a relationship. Without work, respect falls away. It takes work to look your best. It takes work to earn a woman’s heart. If you don’t have to work for something at all, there naturally is less respect and that is what relationships have moved into today. Quick interactions, less respect, less value, and this has become the standard. So when women don’t feel valued, it is just because it is the standard for today—convenience for self.

Now, another way society has changed which has impacted dating and men-women relationships is clothing. While getting ready for a date probably means putting forth a little extra effort to get fixed up, the truth is, in many cases, it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise for a woman to show up in jeans or sweats. Does this impact dating and respect? Are women more respected when wearing a dress or dressing highly feminine? The fashion industry has changed considerably as well with what is available for women to buy. Certainly there are many outfits to be created from what is available, but it is very difficult to find a selection of skirts and dresses at most stores. If women dressed up more, would it make that much more of a difference? Some men claim, it is unnecessary because they would rather “get the real person”, yet at the same time criticize for not dressing up. The same goes with men. Overall our culture has become much more casual, and that casualness tends to lead itself to less respect. When you put forth effort in dressing up or in pursuing someone, there usually is more respect as a result because of the effort invested.

Role reversal is also another issue contributing to disrespect in relationships. An example of this is with career levels. Typically the man is categorized as the leader and provider, but in today’s society, it is not unusual if a woman holds a higher position with income. How does this impact the respect that the man gives to women? Can a man successfully date a woman and admire the fact of her success? Does it scare them off from approaching them? Or does it whittle at an ego of not having the same power and ability in that particular area? In can lead to disrespect because the man does not feel adequate and lashes out and dishonors rather than admires and appreciates. We all have areas we are successful in. Being able to appreciate areas of talent and success in the other party are positive, but if success of the other party in the relationship is an area of agitation, a boundary needs to be set as to how much success or ability is tolerable as a factor when pursuing someone.

But are you living with respect or not? Cohabitation and having multiple partners is common in today’s dating arena. This also breaks down respect within dating. Although some claim that types of relationships breeds greater respect by allowing parties involved to be less hurt, while reaping benefits, the truth is, the relationships are shallow and self-seeking. If the standard for our culture were different, couples would seek quality relationships rather than quick appeasements, and would place a greater emphasis on respect for the other rather than fulfilling self-need. This change in standard would create better quality relationships and impact the current 45% divorce rate for marriages. Respect needs to start in dating relationships.

Naturally men and women, want to be loved and respected. Realizing what type of relationship you are looking for and setting boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t, is part of self-respect. It defines where lines of respect are and what can be compromised on and how far. Likewise, successful relationships honor the boundaries of the other party and are respectful in their interactions with them. When the goal is on self, self-need, or making choices where respect is going to tread upon, it is likely that relationships will deteriorate. 

Although the dating style has changed significantly, there definitely are lessons to be learned from traditional dating which can help elevate the standard of dating today. Traditional dating practices of courtship, formality with politeness, working at a relationship, and taking the time to build a relationship rather than going in for a quick encounter, are worthy of consideration.

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Dating: Dignity Deserved

The all-time classic song by Aretha Franklin “RESPECT” addresses dignity. While respect is important, having an attitude of human superiority over another can be unhealthy.

Being polite and respectful is a way of showing humbleness and honor of the other person. An attitude of demanded subservience, ordered by either gender, is an example of a lack of dignity and respect. When people love or care about each other, they will naturally serve each other. Some even go a step further and serve others not out of love or care for the other person necessarily, but rather out of love and service to God.

Human dignity is owed to every person. It is part of dating and everyday life. When people are kind and care about each other it should come naturally to treat others with respect and dignity. Kindness and respect means having consideration for others in speech and action. Respectfulness can also be found in caring for one’s personal presentation in appearance, actions, in how others are treated with consideration and generosity, speaking politely, and overall using good etiquette in everyday life.

Even beyond dating relationships, reacting toward situations where someone is receiving less than human dignity, can be a way give dignity where dignity is missing. Building dignity in these situations can even be heroic. It is giving human value and worth when a person is being told in word or action that they are less than worthy of human respect.

Dignity is deserved to all and is not outdated. The person who lives with a sense of dignity towards all is deserving of the best!

—Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness

Shop for these books on Amazon!

Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict
by Donna Hicks, PhD

Leading with Dignity: How to Create a Culture That Brings Out the Best in People
by Donna Hicks, PhD


Dating: How to Ask

Why is it important to ask politely when it comes to dating? Well, for one thing, it is a good indication of politeness and respect. Another reason politeness is important is that it is a form of humbleness.

If you are not familiar with the word “namaste” it is a word from Hinduism which is used as a salutation. It means “I bow to the divine in you.” This unique word reminds a person of the dignity and worth of the person before them.

With couple relationships, the ideal relationship is just that, bowing to the other person and making them the priority with love, service, and within reason, putting their need, above one’s own. The most successful relationships are those which put the other person before one’s self.

Another example of putting others first is by observing what boundaries they have and not intruding upon them. It is always good etiquette to ask permission, so as not to not intrude on boundaries, and tip toeing with grace and politeness, before making assumptions which may insult or otherwise be damaging. If you don’t know, just ask!

It is not outdated. Discover where boundaries are and respect them. When honor is given it causes the relationship to flourish.

Read more…suggestions for good manners and dating etiquette!
Dating Etiquette

—Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness

Learn more about dating etiquette and boundaries…
Check these books out on Amazon:

How To Get A Man Without Getting Played:
29 Dating Secrets to Catch Mr. Right, Set Your Standards, and Eliminate Time Wasters

by Bruce Bryans 

Courtship in Crisis: The Case for Traditional Dating
by Thomas Umstattd Jr., Debra K. Fileta 

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship
by Joshua Harris

Courtship and Dating: So What’s the Difference?
by Dennis Gundersen

Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A Guide for Catholics
by Thomas G. Morrow

131 Necessary Conversations Before Marriage: Insightful, highly-caffeinated,
Christ-honoring conversation starters for dating and engaged couples!
(Creative Conversations Series Book 3) Part of: Creative Conversation Starters (8 Books)
by Jed Jurchenko

Boundaries in Dating Leader’s Guide
by Henry Cloud

Cupid’s Secret: How To Write Compelling Personal Ads
by Mark Petterson

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Dating: A Question of Dignity and Respect

Dating seems to be falling away as today’s culture favors quick interactions over traditional courting. With this, dignity and respect take less of an importance. Just like the convenience store, if it is that easy to get to the goal to score, or if that goal is the priority over the person, then why even go through the stages of winning the woman over?

Winning a woman is something of a lost art. What used to be standard in culture of pursuing a woman has all but gone away, and with that all of the romance and respect that goes with a man winning the love of a woman. In today’s culture, the quick route is preferred with the goal and desire to get in and ‘bang her’ as Will Smith so rightfully corrects in the movie Hitch. It is not even questioned. Men who ‘actually love women’ and the pursuit of building a lasting relationship is an archaic idea. The purpose of dating is to learn about each other by spending time together in person to learn what qualities and attributes the person has as compatible to your own and to have time to grow closer together. With time, it is easier to find out how a person treats you and others, what they feel about honesty, God, and how they approach situations. It takes a lifetime to learn about a person and even that wouldn’t be enough time to define a person as people change and grow throughout their life. The purpose of learning about someone in a dating relationship is to spend time to see if the person is compatible as a partner and if the relationship has enough compatibility to move in the direction of marriage. When this time is not spent, there is very little evaluation time beyond the physical attraction. It is no longer about the person but them as an object of use and in what they can provide.

Each person has their interpretation of what dignity and respect is, and what they find acceptable. For most people there is a basic standard of dignity and respect that we would all agree upon. At a minimum this should be the expectation, and if there is a difference in these standards, they should be discussed as to whether they are compatible or not. If dignity and respect is not an essential part of the relationship, it is time to leave without any regrets. These are the foundation of a quality relationship.

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Love to read? Search for these books on Amazon!

Respect the Image: Reflecting Human Worth in How We Listen and Talk
by Timothy M. Shorey

How To Ask A Girl Out: Proven Ways On How To Get A Girlfriend
(How to Get a Girlfriend and How to Get a Date)

by Melissa Christo and Cindy Christo-Brown

How to Text a Girl the Right Way Like a Pro: Men’s Texting and Dating Advice Guide to Get a Woman Hooked and Fall in Love Via Flirty Messages on WhatsApp, Facebook, Tinder, Twitter or Any Chatting
by J. Covey

Online Dating For Women Over 40:
The Hopeful Woman’s 10 Step Guide to Enjoyment and Success

by Christie Jordan

The Winning Dating Formula For Women Over 50: 7 Steps To Attracting Quality Men
by Lisa Copeland

How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back
by Henry Cloud

Dating Guru’s Dating Etiquette Guide:
The Expert Guide to the Dos and Dont’s of Dating

by James Preece

Starring: Will Smith, Eva Mendes, Kevin James

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The Pertinence of Privacy and Permission

Boundaries we set for ourselves set a line between areas which we are comfortable allowing others to access and areas of no-entry where our self-worth and dignity are tread upon. Without boundaries, people can easily take advantage of us and cross into areas which would harm us or cause offense. It is healthy to have boundaries set. It defines the person and helps others find it easier to be more respectful.

Without realizing it, boundaries exist with expectations we have. Unless these are clearly stated, it is likely these boundaries will be breached because each individual’s definition of what is permissible is completely different. Usually, it is when these are crossed, and we are offended, that we finally state what our expectations are. It may take having these boundaries crossed by others before we even know how to define them. Likewise, it may take having boundaries crossed to learn to redefine our limits we have and adjust them.

For those who already have a good idea of their own personal boundaries, vocalizing these helps clarify them to others. The most common areas we have boundaries for are:

  • Affection/Sexual (unwanted touches, sexual molestation, rape, sexual boundaries, boundaries of relationships with those outside of relationships, acceptability within relationships)
  • Dignity/Self-respect/Worth (verbal statements, actions of disrespect, public humiliation, disowning, belittling, slander, stripping of clothes, comparing to shun, insulting mental, physical, or intellectual ability, insulting physical features, degrading, stating incapability or unworthiness)
  • Financial (discussing financial information, addressing wealth or poverty, discussing paycheck or salary information, worth of property)
  • Beliefs (religious beliefs, political beliefs, sexual beliefs, ceremonies, or opinions especially which one feels strongly about, respecting the practices of religions and ceremonies)
  • Sensitive subjects (anything which might not be openly discussed or the party is hesitant to talk about, personal matters, family matters, etc)
  • Property (cars, electronics, houses, assets, or what a person does not have)
  • Knowledge of personal information (relationship, medical, personal, social, private information, hygiene, showering, bathroom and toileting, weight, anything sexual related, habits, addictions, struggles)
  • Respect to elders or leaders (parents, senior level family members, managers, political or religious office)
  • Respect to party and minors (adjusting the nature of conversation for the parties intended of any age level, determining what is appropriate for minors, and children of certain age levels)
  • Spying and Eavesdropping (eavesdropping and snooping on someone’s life, spying, using a remote application to view another person’s life, reading other’s correspondence or accounts written or electronic, gathering information of any kind without permission by witnessing, reading, or listening)
  • Failures and successes (losses, relationship breakups or divorce, miscarriages, addictions, bankruptcy, foreclosures, job loss, successful gains especially which put a person at an advantage over others)
  • Associations (associations of any kind for the sake of gossip, wealthy associations, less fortunate, mixed racial, or those which may be controversial)
  • What we share being shared to others (sharing information you were given to others)
  • Generosity (charitable givers may want to remain anonymous)
  • How we are spoken to by others (speaking respectfully to others)
  • Intangibles we value (beliefs, values, ethics, love for God, love for others, family bonds, friendships, reasons for why, rapport, business acumen, attitude, your process, reason for thoughtfulness, ability to lead, separating business and personal)

Boundaries are limits. It is a stopping point which must be observed or else an offense is committed as the person trespassing crosses into an area which is off limits without permission to access.

The more prominent the individual, the easier it is to acknowledge their boundaries, because of their position and for an individual’s own benefit or recognition. For the rest of those in society, we consciously make a decision to respect other people’s boundaries because we value them and find them important simply because of their human existence. Respecting boundaries is a way to give dignity and self-worth to the person. If these are crossed by accident, then an apology is due, as the offender makes haste to return back to what is acceptable either acknowledging that the boundary was crossed, or to ask for permission for an exception to be made. This is good etiquette.

In an idealistic society there would not be any boundaries at all. For the free-spirited person, this is an enchanting idea. However, this utopia can only exist if basic respect is practiced by all, in a society of clones. As unique individuals we all approach “free-will” differently. Some are more conservative, while others will live more liberally. With different life experiences, each person has different boundaries. The common ground can only be found in respecting these boundaries to give worth to the person’s human existence as a unique creation that deserves respect.

—Clean Up Dallas with Culture and Kindness

This month’s topic “May I”, addresses the importance of boundaries and asking permission in everyday life situations, dating, when borrowing property, observing others, and the effects when boundaries are tread upon. Boundaries and privacy are important! Good etiquette asks “May I” and respects others!

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Learn more… Search for these on Amazon! 

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition:
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

A Young Woman’s Guide to Setting Boundaries:
Six Steps to Help Teens *Make Smart Choices *Cope with Stress *
Untangle Mixed-Up Emotions

by Allison Bottke

Invasion of Privacy: How to Protect Yourself in the Digital Age
by Michael Hyatt

Privacy in the Age of Big Data:
Recognizing Threats,  Defending Your Rights, and Protecting Your Family
by Theresa Payton

Saving Face: How to Preserve Dignity and Build Trust
by Maya Hu-Chan

The Circle
Starring: Emma Watson, Tom Hanks, John Boyega

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